Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Since I've been gone...

I fell off the grid.

I thought it would be fitting to come back here this afternoon, seven days after my blog's five year anniversary.

You see, back in November, my life kind of turned upside down. I was already incredibly unhappy at the time. My depression has snowballed over the past few years. I stopped being interested in things that interest me. I had no desire to write anymore. To read books from my favorite authors. To even hang out with friends very much. Nothing inspired me.

Then, I found out by accident that I'm pregnant.

I was covering a city council meeting and right when the big issue came up, which was supposed to be my big story, I ran to the bathroom and threw up for more than an hour. I thought I was dying.

My dad took me to the hospital. We found out that I wasn't dying, but in fact doing the opposite by creating life.

Since Rian still has another semester of graduate school left and he's living on campus two hours away, I gave up my apartment and moved back in with my parents so I could use my measly freelance journalist paycheck to pay off my debt and save up for my inevitable medical expenses.

It has been a huge shock and it took me several months to come to terms with my situation. I found out a little while ago that I'm having a boy. I'm due in late June or early July.

Well, now that the shock has worn off and the distraction is no longer a novelty, I'm back to facing my pre-pregnancy demons.

I need inspiration. I long for creativity. I wish I could regain that passion I used to have for, well, anything.

But instead, I go through the motions of everyday life. I do my job. I watch television. I spend most of my time staring into space, not really thinking about anything until I realize half the day is gone.

Exciting, eh?

What do you do when you need to get out of a slump? When you seek creative inspiration? When you want to jumpstart your ambitions?

15 comments:

Dina's Days said...

Congratulations, again! I appreciate your candid post and honest feelings. Anytime I feel uninspired, down, or like I'm on my way to a dark place I try to commit to an exercise routine - even if it's just walking. It works every time. Best wishes, can't wait to meet your little one (through the Internet!)

Chic 'n Cheap Living said...

Congratulations! I know the scary, uncertain time you are going through now. Being active has really helped me, whether it was finding a fun exercise class or taking walks with my husband every night.
I think meeting a different set of people could restart your creativity. Are there seminars or writing groups around you?
Either way, take care of yourself and the little one!

xoxo,
Chic 'n Cheap Living

Shannon said...

Oh - I have so been thinking about you. First - congratulations!! What amazing news.

Having a baby (or babies) was one of the toughest things I've done, but it has brought me more joy than I ever thought possible.

I had a few demons myself, and once I became a mom, those demons left and never returned. Maybe this guy will be your medicine too.

Good luck!

The Dainty Dolls House said...

Well, of course I knew this happy news :)) I'm super excited for you!! Slumps can be hard as sometimes if you do the usual things that bring you out of it, you can find that they no longer work. So, I would try new things to do. Go somewhere you've not been, keep active as you can and look forward to your son that's coming!! You will most definitely not have time to even think of being bored or out of sync then. I had some demons that I had to face when becoming a mother - since my mother was a bit horrid to me growing up and about life in general, but my girls are my saving grace really :)) Keep well & take good care of yourself doll :) xx

Shybiker said...

We all visit the place you are now. My sympathy for your struggles.

I've found the way to inspiration (which leads to enthusiasm and activity) is to actively look around you for things that appeal to you. Without pre-judging them or making assumptions. For example, in my thirties, I was bored stiff with my desk-job. I looked around and saw a motorcycle ride by. I'd never been on a bike before and didn't even know anyone who did. But it seemed exciting, it would take me outdoors and there was lots to learn. I took baby-steps in that direction and it led me down a path that enriched my life. Similar wonders are out there for you. Search for one.

Jade | The Jade Aesthetic said...

Oh my God 1) CONGRATULATIONS 2) I really hope you get your "mojo" back (can't think of a better, non-cheesy word) soon. I've missed your posts! I think (and hope for you) that being around your family and preparations for your little one(!) will get you to a happier place, even if it's not necessarily on the creative side yet.

I sort of let inspiration come to me when I'm at a wall (probably because I'm lazy). So I'll do what you're describing, just going through my daily life and somewhere along the way, something usually hits me and I get inspired again. It definitely helps to have something to look forward to so life doesn't feel SO monotonous and in your case, you have your baby boy :) Hope things start moving upwards for you!! x

Jade | The Jade Aesthetic

Selma @ Crazy Little World Of Mine said...

I had a feeling something was up. ;)
Congratulations girl. I'm sure it's all a mixture of happy and sad and confusion...but you will be fine!!!
With a new part of life starting for you how about finding creativity in that? I don't know. this comes from a girl who has no kids (yet). Ha!

Sending you hugs. You're going to be great!

Sherin said...

Ooooooh congratulations!!! That's huge. You're going to make a great mum.

ravenlocks said...

I knew it! LOL. And congratulations!! That is truly a blessing. I kept noticing your pins on pinterest and I was like, "hmmm...there sure are quite a few baby-related pins." I didn't want to pry because it's none of my business. But I couldn't help but feel a little excited for you.

Now that it's official...can I just say how awesome that is?

I hope this baby will bring you joy and many new blessings in your life.

As for feeling down. Yeah, I totally get you. I still have too many problems. Problems never really go away. Whatever you're going through, though...it will get better! Try something new you haven't done before. Or go on a long walk/hike. Being outdoors makes me the happiest.

Glad you updated us! I've missed you lots <3. I really have :)

A BRIT GREEK said...

Congrats darling! Wowsers, this is such amazing news!
Boo hoo to slumps and being down in the dumps. When your wee one arrives you'll be so filled with joy, it'll be such beautiful experience being a mum and also one of the toughest!!! MY lil fella is 9 months now and I still crave more sleep but there's nothing more amazing than our time together when we're up!

I hope everything works out for you kitten.
Good luck & keep us posted.
x.o.x.o

A•Mused said...

I saw your announcement on Facebook, and I'm so very happy for you Jen! I can understand where you are with the depression though - I'm kinda there too. This whole ptsd thing has got me very uninspired some days.

I was just thinking about you last night and wondering if you were going to have a boy. And you are! How very exciting. You are going to be such a cool mom. Really.

Anytime you want to chat, I'm here <3

Anonymous said...

Hello,

I just discovered your words, your vibe, the style and your impeccable eye and observations that you are spreading out like a flamenco dancer's fan. Love it. Don't stop.

Readership may have dropped off , but not because you are less fabulous or relevant. The net has just become so mind numbingly visual that a cerebral hedonist such as yourself is just being drowned out. The key is to be persistent. That is what separates you from the other unknown gifted peeps out there. Just keep writing about who you are becoming and how you see the world, because that is what writers do. Readers will find their way to you.

Everything about the fabulousness that you poured into your life, this blog -much of the insights, musings and observations will go into your boy child. And it's going to be fun, because you are fun and your son is going to live an unusual life of jubilance balanced with common sense. He will be your muse because you have made yourself your own muse. And that is why you are cool and will have a plethora of knowledge to pass onto him.

He will be super boy. I can feel it. Good luck Ms. ; )

A Whimsical Girl Named Debbie said...

Hello love,

It has been ages since we last spoke via BlogLand. I needed to take a hiatus myself to sort through life. I pray all is well with you & the little person growing inside you {I'm secretly hoping you have him on my birthday: June 25th}. Please know that what the world meant for evil, God means for good. This baby is a blessing & is the purpose, direction, joy, hope, will, & love you seek. If you happen to read this comment, I would love to hear from you again. So, please stop by GirlWhimsy & say "hi". I miss your sweet words.

Hugs & Kisses
http://girlwhimsy.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Stay needlessly busy... its better than SSRI's- And never give up, you are very talented.

Imogen said...

I know you posted this ages ago but I just wanted to say congratulations and that I'm thinking of you hoping for the best. I knew about this from facebook and hope to catch up on news there. I wish I could help you but my depression has snowballed too I am at my all time low. I have tried everything and nothing works. There has to be some way through this but I can't see how...love you my friend.