Friday, October 11, 2013

I've been exposed.

Several months ago, a blog friend of mine accidentally posted a link to his lingerie blog to his personal Facebook page.

It freaked him out so much, he deleted his entire blog. This was a good blog too. An encyclopedia of lingerie, I used to joke to him. It was one of the most impressive fashion blogs I knew. Several years had been put into it.

My friend had good reason to freak the fuck out. He was an alpha male with an explosive secret. If I remember correctly, only his wife knew about his guilty pleasure: wearing pantyhose underneath his jeans. His friends, his family, and his coworkers finding out about it? That would have ruined his life. I felt bad for him. While I was deeply saddened he was leaving the blogosphere, I understood he really didn't have a choice.

There's nothing like a cold splash of water in your face to wake you up.

Recently, I discovered that somebody I didn't want to find out about my blog found out about it.

Of course, my situation isn't as worrisome as my friend's. In fact, I really don't have a big secret to hide at all.

But my privacy has been compromised. A large group of people I didn't want to know my inner most thoughts now know this blog exists. My soul is exposed.

I have always been comfortable writing about my life on this blog. It's kind of like getting to be naked in public and not worrying about it. That feeling is incredible. It's freedom.

But now that feeling has been snuffed out. My privacy has been violated.

I suppose it's my fault. I started this blog anonymously, but with photos and stories and whatnot, it eventually got more personal. I kept that distance from any identification, however. But I grew careless. I linked it somewhere I really shouldn't have. Silly me.

It's the same mentality that has kept me from completing my memoir. Some of my stories are so intensely personal, so morbidly raw, that I can't bring myself to write them down next to my name. So I leave the book unfinished, sitting immobile in a folder on my laptop. I'm not ready to have everyone in my life exposed to everything in my life.

So, what do I do now? I thought seriously about deleting this blog. But that would be pointless. They've probably already read everything. And why should I delete something I'm proud of?

I've thought about abandoning this blog. My readership has dwindled significantly. I'm not passionate about doing biographies anymore. I already spend a lot of hours working on stories for a newspaper and getting paid shit for it. The thought of putting even more hours into a doomed starlet post, and not get paid anything for it, makes me want to vomit.

But a part of me is so attached to this blog. It's like my child. How can I give it up? I just can't. It makes me so sad to even think about it. Even if it has become a ghost town. Even if I don't post here very often anymore.

I really shouldn't let this group of people, who now know this blog exists, win. I mean, I need to stop giving a fuck what everyone in my life thinks about me. I need to have courage.

Because this is ME.

I shouldn't be ashamed of being human. Of having feelings and experiences and thoughts that aren't pure, perfect.

I'm a romantic. I'm a bitch. I'm a storyteller. I'm hurt. I'm exhausted.

But more importantly,

I'm hope.

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yep, please continue writing! Who cares what others think. The people who really care about you, will always appreciate the efforts and wonderful stories!

French Girl in Seattle said...

Well absolutely. By starting a blog, we all know there is a risk some morons (or crazies) will have access to it. It is part of the game, Jenny. As to what these people you are referring to might think or say about what you write there: "I don't care what you think about me. I don't think about you at all." -- Gabrielle "Coco" Chanel.
Don't give it a second thought and keep writing. My stories are shorter too these days. My readership is down. C'est la vie. What I get out of the writing and the comments of the "faithful fews" who follow me make it all worthwhile. Hugs from Veronique (French Girl in Seattle)

Oh to Be a Muse said...

I'm still reading! I think you should keep posting here, even if it's only a few times a month. I always enjoy reading what you have to say, which also means you should get on that memoir. I would totally buy it!

Is pantybuns the blogger you're talking about in the beginning? We used to be blog friends, and I had no idea why he stopped visiting my blog, but that makes sense if you're talking about him.

www.ohtobeamuse.com

Jade | JadeFungBlog said...

D: if you abandoned your blog I'd have to go back to trawling Wikipedia myself for the kind of biographies you write about!! I started my blog anonymously and didn't tell friends or anything but now I'm more like whatever because I enjoy blogging and there's clearly a whole community who are into the same thing, even if some real life people 'don't get it'!

Jade | JadeFungBlog

Shybiker said...

I can relate to this subject more than most people. I mean, I'm a professional with much at risk when I transgress the gender divide. But I've chosen to do it, even though there are many people I'd prefer never discover my blog.

My advice to you is: the fact that you decided to blog in the first place means you want to express yourself. We can't control what happens in public. So put on your big girl panties and be courageous. Blog the way you want to and let the chips fall where they may.

Chrissy Starr said...

I just found you. You can't abandon it now!

I know exactly what you mean. I started my blog under a pseudonym but I still posted real pictures of myself because I figured no one would find me. The only people I really wanted to avoid were my co-workers and it weirded me out to use my real name anyway.

I've since quit that job and no one found me but readers have found my real name in my linked in profile. I don't even care anymore. I pretty much share every deep, dark thought and secret but it's cathartic for me. If people don't like it or agree with it, they don't have to come back.

TheGirlAtFirstAvenue said...

I've been reading your blog for the past two or three years now. You are one of the few bloggers whose writing I really admire. I like the flow and how you weave such captivating stories.
I stopped blogging for a compete year when I was studying and my readership went down to almost zero but its slowly picking up now.
Even if you decide to give up the blog don't give up on blogging itself. Writing for a newspaper as a job is one thing but I can see the passion that goes into your blog writing. Mabe you could start a different blog, or a different theme or do something different to get that spark back but please dont give up writing for pleasure entirely. It would be too huge a loss for all of us :)

Imogen said...

I saw this on facebook and I really felt for you. I totally understand that, even though there is nothing to hide, privacy is still important; it i truly important to have your own space on the Internet where you can be yourself. I am so sorry this happened to you. In saying that, please keep going! I love you.

Jen!! said...

Love you. Don't go anywhere. You're my favorite thing to read in my Feedly. Not just cuz I know you but because I've always loved your writing.

Chic 'n Cheap Living said...

You should keep on writing if it makes you happy. You should also post at your own frequency and if the topics change, the topics change. It is your blog isn't it?
People will find you eventually, but secrets, online and offline, don't always stay secret anyway.
You have always shared posts on the most interesting people and I have loved learning about them.

David Macaulay said...

I can relate Jen - I never hid my identity but there are things on my blog I wouldn't be comfortable for some people to read. Felt uneasy once when a relative informed me she was a close reader of my blog. I didn't even think she knew it existed. Anyhow your case is not the same as that of the underwear man soooo - don't kill it I say. In some ways it defines you to the outside world.

A BRIT GREEK said...

Don't delete this blog Jen! I've been reading your blog for yonks now darling and would miss you & your writing terribly!

x.o.x.o

Shannon said...

Please don't go away. I love your blog. It's so real, and the writing blows me away at every post!

Blond Duck said...

I'm so sorry. I hope you keep writing. I understand how you feel because some of my writing students found my blog. It's really startling to have people you don't know talking about your family like you know them. I don't even get as deep as you do--so I can't imagine.

lauren said...

if you delete this that would be a cryin' shame! haters gonna hate... yes, that's my advice... that's all of it. haha. Honestly, we have zero control over other's peoples thoughts and actions and the sooner that we can grasp that and move on and be ourselves the happier we will be!! so write on, your facebook status-stories literally make me laugh out fucking loud. you are a kick ass writer girl!!!

also, i started a new freaking blog. check it out because I would love your opinion!!!!

xoxoxoxo
Lauren
Blissful Happenings

sherene said...

glad this blog will stay:)

Dina's Days said...

It's always a weird feeling when you find out that someone you didn't think followed your blog does. It's inevitable though. I'd be mortified if my co-workers found my blog. I don't have anything to hide, but it's just weird. I understand your frustration but I would hate to see your blog go. There aren't many blogs like yours anymore. It's a nice break from the same format.

Rosh S said...

Jen, many of us keep our blogs a secret because they are a gateway to our thoughts or because we do not want good or bad natured criticisms and opinions. And so we do not want our blogs to be found by the sort of people that you have mentioned. I am very sad that your friend deleted his blog - I had visited it and had quite liked it. But like you said, while we can understand his reason for it, there is no need for you to close this blog.
Who cares if those people have read what you wrote. It does not matter. They will read, talk about it and move on. And if they say anything to you about it, show them whether they should stuff their opinion and be proud of what you have achieved.
In my first comment on your blog, I told you that I read every post on your blog in a matter of days. Thats how good you are. It does not matter if you dont write biographies. I love reading whatever you write. So please continue. There are many of us who love your blog and will keep coming :)

http://everythingthatclicks.blogspot.com

Bisous Natasha said...

Discovered your blog from a reader who shared a link to your hipster racism article. Well done and I wish blogs like yours had more readers. I did a piece on blackface today after some fucked up images that popped up on Instagram after a Halloween party. Ugh, people these days. Anyway. I have added your blog to my reading list. :)

ravenlocks said...

I say...fuck everyone. I'm actually thinking of "outing" myself. I'm tired of hiding and I wish I could just do what I want to do. People over here like to shove their shit stained noses in other people's business. Oops. That was mean, wasn't it? ;) I shouldn't care what they think.

I hope that only good things will come of this. You don't bash anyone or hurt anyone. You're only being you and sharing your stories with the world. Maybe these people in your life will learn a thing or two...like, not to judge :)

xo Azu